If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Why do I tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people?” or “Why do I get anxious when I don’t receive a quick text back?”, you’re not alone. Navigating modern dating, which comes along with the phenomena of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and love bombing, can feel like a minefield. However, there is a psychological lens that can offer clarity: Attachment Theory.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. The theory explains that early emotional bonds between children and their primary caregiver can impact future relationships and their development.
There are four main attachment styles:
● Secure: Individuals with secure attachment styles are loving and warm in relationships and enjoy both intimacy and independence. They communicate their needs effectively and are able to read and respond to their partner’s cues.
○ This style usually develops when the caregiver is reliable and consistent in the way they help the child manage their emotions and behavior.
● Anxious (Preoccupied): People with anxious attachment styles love to be close to their partner and often fear that their partner will leave or does not feel the same way. They may have a tendency to be more sensitive to small changes in their partner’s mood or communication. They may need more reassurance from a partner to feel at ease and often seek safety.
○ This style often arises from caregivers who may overinvolve the child in their own feelings, overreact in situations, and often struggle with multitasking around their children.
● Avoidant (Dismissive): Those with an avoidant attachment style value independence and self-sufficiency, often over intimate relationships. They may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to be emotionally distant. They rarely engage in conflict and avoid emotions associated with insecurity and vulnerability.
○ This style usually develops when caregivers disregard the child’s attachment needs and do not tolerate strong displays of emotion.
● Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant): Individuals with this style may have inconsistent and unpredictable behavior in relationships, which often arises from fear and unpredictability in the caregiver-child relationship.
It is important to note that someone may identify with multiple attachment styles, resonating with one style in romantic relationships and a different style within friendships.
Dating in the Age of Swipe Culture
Dating apps give us a plethora of options, and can create situations that may bring out our attachment style:
● Mixed signals? Disorganized types may swipe or message their matches with enthusiasm, then ghost when they feel vulnerable or threatened.
● Perpetual swiping? Avoidant types may have the mindset that there will always be someone better out there or fear that investing in one person will lead to a loss of independence.
● Getting ghosted? Those with anxious attachment may feel heightened anxiety when they do not receive a quick reply, and can feel devastated when they are ghosted by someone they are interested in.
The immediacy and ambiguity present in modern dating culture can amplify the underlying insecurities tied to attachment style.
Common Dating Scenarios Explained by Attachment Theory
1. The “Anxious-Avoidant Trap” and the “Roller-Coaster Effect”
This dynamic often occurs when one partner has an anxious attachment style, while the other is more avoidant. The relationship may experience many ups, downs, and loops like a roller coaster. When the avoidant partner makes themselves more available, the anxious partner feels reassured and experiences a feeling of closeness. However, the avoidant partner may perceive this closeness as a threat and pull away from their partner.
2. Ghosting and Breadcrumbing
Individuals with insecure attachment styles often use ghosting or breadcrumbing (providing someone just enough attention to maintain their interest) as protective strategies to avoid vulnerability. This allows some level of connection without feeling emotionally vulnerable or unsafe.
3. Securely Attached People May Seem “Boring”
If someone has always equated emotional intensity with passion, securely attached partners might feel unfamiliar or boring at first, when in reality, they may offer the consistency they need. It can be challenging to break out of relationship patterns that feel comfortable because we are used to certain dynamics.
How to Increase Attachment Awareness
Identify Your Attachment Style
Self-awareness is the first step. Reflect on past relationships or read about examples of different styles from attachment researchers. Recommended readings include the books “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and “The Power of Attachment” by Diane Poole Heller. Understanding your tendencies can help you spot your patterns.
Emotion Regulation
Learning grounding techniques can assist in regulating your nervous system and allow you to be more present in your interactions with others. Start with techniques like box breathing and the 5,4,3,2,1 method.
Practice Secure Behaviors
Even if you do not identify with a secure attachment style now, you can develop secure attachment. Some examples of this are:
● Communicating your needs clearly and calmly while setting healthy boundaries.
● Building trust through consistency and reliability.
● Seeking out relationships with people who display qualities of secure attachment.
Seek out Therapy
If you would like to dive deeper into understanding your attachment style and relationship patterns, a therapist can help you gain additional perspectives and work toward more secure ways of relating to others.
Final Thoughts
Modern dating can be overwhelming—understanding your attachment style gives you a roadmap through the chaos. Whether you’re navigating dating apps, a new relationship, or trying to break free from unhelpful patterns, this framework can help you make choices that lead to deeper connection and emotional safety.
