Where is the balance between helping children develop resilience and tolerance for disappointment while also validating their emotional experience in the moment?
Every parent, caregiver, and teacher has likely heard (or said) the old adage:
“You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.”
This phrase is often intended to teach children how to manage disappointment, a critical skill for healthy development. However, from a therapeutic perspective, it’s important to understand that helping children process distressing emotions does not undermine their ability to become resilient. In fact, the act of validating emotion can strengthen resilience.
As caregivers, educators, and therapists, we can model how emotional validation and resilience-building can occur simultaneously. Encouraging children to express a full range of emotions, including disappointment, frustration, and annoyance allows them to participate meaningfully in situations they may not prefer, without suppressing how they feel.
Validating Emotion: The First Step
The first step in supporting a child’s emotional development is to identify and name their feelings in the moment. Emotions are not “good” or “bad” they are natural internal experiences that arise in response to our environment.
While a child’s emotional responses may sometimes feel overwhelming, telling them not to feel a certain way doesn’t reduce the behavior nor does it help them build emotional regulation skills. Instead, when we name the emotion and offer choices for managing it, we help the child develop a framework for navigating future emotional experiences.
Example:
“You’re feeling disappointed. You really wanted that train, but Bobby is playing with it right now. You can either play with this truck while you wait, or we can do a puzzle together.”
This approach both acknowledges the child’s internal experience and offers strategies for self-regulation. Over time, this process builds their emotional literacy and resilience.
Managing Emotions: A Balanced Approach
Caregivers don’t need to immediately fix or “manage” a child’s emotional state. In fact, attempting to rush through emotional discomfort may reflect our own feelings of helplessness, frustration, or stress.
Instead of dismissing or suppressing the emotion, we can create space for it to be acknowledged, while still gently guiding the child forward. Spending too much time “in” the emotion, however, can be just as unhelpful as ignoring it. Balance is key.
It’s not about convincing children they shouldn’t be upset , it’s about helping them feel seen, while also co-regulating and modeling healthy coping strategies. You might say:
“It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here with you, and we’ll get through this together.”
If you’re struggling with emotional regulation, you don’t need to go through this alone. Georgetown Psychology has a team of therapists who are here to support you. To schedule a telehealth or an in-person session in DC, Bethesda, Alexandria, or McLean, please contact Sarah Smathers, our Client Services Specialist, at sarah@georgetownpsychology.com or (301) 652-5550.
