Let’s be honest, who really wants to talk about shame? It’s not a feeling that we like to experience or with which we want to identify. And yet, shame is a universal emotion that we all feel at different points of life, oftentimes without knowing it.
Defining Shame:
Brene Brown, a social worker and researcher of shame, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (Brown, 2007, p.5). It’s the sensation that arises when we feel exposed, judged, or inadequate in the eyes of oneself or others. Shame can feel heavy, weighing down our spirit and degrading our self-worth and sense of belonging.
Shame vs. Guilt:
Shame is closely associated with guilt, but how are they different? To put it simply, shame is the belief that “I am bad” (fill in your word of choice), whereas guilt is the belief that I did, said, or believed something that was “bad” (Brown, 2007; Brown, Hernandez, & Villareal, 2017). Guilt is therefore found to be a more facilitative emotion because it can move us towards accountability and change, while shame is internalized and thus more harmful to our sense of identity and self-worth. Additionally, unlike most other emotions including guilt, shame is a learned emotion based on experiences we’ve had that lead us to believe we are unworthy in some way.
Building Resilience:
Here is the good news! Just like we are all capable of experiencing shame, we are also capable of healing from it and building resilience. Here are some important ways to start the process of building shame resilience:
Recognize it in Your Body:
Our brains and bodies know when we are feeling shame! When faced with shame, our brains react like we are in physical danger. Much like when we experience other intense emotions like fear, shame can activate our nervous system to go into a “fight, flight, or freeze” response. We may experience physiological signs such as increased heart rate, sweating, shaking, stomach pain, headaches or dizziness, flushed face, or other physical symptoms. Paying attention to our bodies is a useful step in recognizing when we may be feeling shame.
Learn the Source:
We all have experiences that activate a feeling of shame in our lives. If you’re a parent, you may question how you’re raising your children, constantly comparing yourself to other parents and feeling inadequate when you feel like you don’t measure up. For others, a trauma can create feelings of shame that what you experienced was your fault and you are somehow flawed. Our physical appearance or weight, our past choices, our identity and the labels and stereotypes people give us, our relationships, and many other examples, can all induce shame.
The causes of our shame can stem from a variety of sources, including societal and cultural standards, religion, family norms, and other expectations imposed on us by institutions, family, and peers. Once we begin to examine where our shame comes from and how it’s related to the messages we’ve received from external sources, we can start to regain a sense of control over our feelings of shame. Without that insight, we tend to act in ways that reinforce those feelings, sometimes unknowingly. For example, someone struggling with body image may have been teased about their weight as a child, dealt with parents who were overly critical, and felt pressure to be thin based on societal standards and messages from the media. That person may then engage in a pattern of binging food and gaining weight, only to feel more shame, and then returning to food for comfort, thus starting the cycle over again.
Through therapy and self-reflection, we can begin to understand what specifically makes us feel shameful and where and how those perceptions are fueled. When we bring awareness to what activates these feelings of shame, we are better equipped to navigate our response to those emotions and establish new patterns.
Foster Empathy and Connection:
The number one antidote to shame is empathy! Why? Shame grows bigger and deeper the more that we keep it silenced and hidden, yet when we begin to share our experience with others and receive empathy in return, it begins to lose its power (Brown, 2007). Whether you share your experiences of shame with a trusted therapist, family member, or friend, finding people in your life who listen, understand, and validate your experience without judgment is a key piece to building resilience and reducing the power that shame can have in our lives. We are not meant to carry the burden of shame alone.
Practice Self-Compassion:
Practice self-compassion! How would you speak to a friend? How can you show yourself empathy? The same kindness, compassion, love, and care that we show others is just as important to give back to ourselves. Pay attention to how you are speaking to yourself. Positive affirmations, journaling, mindfulness and meditation, and self-care are all great ways to begin the practice of self-compassion. Let’s embrace and honor who we are, rather than who we think we should be.
Shame is painful, but it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you for experiencing it. It simply makes you human. Once we begin to recognize the things that make us feel ashamed and start talking about it with others, shame begins to lose its power. We remember that it’s possible to heal and grow through our shame rather than getting stuck in it, and that most importantly, we are not alone.
References
Brown, Brene. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): making the journey from “what
will people think” to “I am enough.” Penguin Group Inc.
Brown, B., Hernandez, V. R., & Villarreal, Y. (2017). Connections: A 12-session
psychoeducational shame resilience curriculum. Research Gate. doi: 10.1037/12326-015
